It’s been awhile that I haven’t wrote but, as this year is coming to an end I’m very thankful for all the support I have had including family, friends, classmates and one very special professor. You are never alone and even though you may feel like that month after month you just aren’t if you belong to God. This semester has been a little crazy for me, let’s just say I almost didn’t perform for the end of the semester Latin jazz ensemble. Will not mention that story in this article maybe a different time. Every day we have decisions to make and some will make you bleed on the inside of you.
Some consequences are your fault and others are not. Have you ever got so tired of a friend who you thought was a “friend” and intentionally knew they where harming you but, wouldn’t change ? To be patiently and find yourself investing time only to know that the person doesn’t even care about but, because they have so much pride they won’t tell you in your face but, you know every action and word that comes from their mouth is full of lies. It hurt’s so much to desire honesty and not get that in return. Wanting to help and to fix the problem doing everything and everything in your will to make a statement. There is nothing worse then giving your case and you know you are right and the response you get from the other person is “I know”,”I know huh”, “I can but, I won’t”.
It not only get’s you upset because you know you deserve genuine answers but, some people are so evil and comfortable playing the game that they could care less how you feel. I won’t mention any names but this person for the sake of the article I’ll call him ” Wolfie”. Wolfie is someone I still care about but, someone who does not want to change and isn’t willing to change. He is not innocent and I believe is so good at his game that he won’t give me an answer. He wasn’t like this when I met him and now I believe he has shown his true colors. Many get scared of him and judge him for what he has done to me and my family.
I believe truly on the inside he is hurt wants to run and escape reality and I bet he wish he could start all over. He deals with guilt, shame, condemnation, frustration he probably goes throughout his days saying, “wish I could have, I should be here but, I’m not”, ” I messed up now I’ll run”. Wolfie has had many accomplishments in his life I find him hard working all the time but, he doesn’t give himself credit. Life sucks when you thought you were going to be married by 24 and have two kids already and your not making enough money. Wolfie keeps forgetting the world doesn’t revolve around him. When the one person who promised you is not here it hurts.
Sometimes I wish he could see that he isn’t that far from God’s grace, love and forgiveness. You just can’t give what you don’t have. I don’t know who his friendships are or how busy he is but one thing I learned is that. Never get tired of telling the person you love them and that you are there for them and are praying for them. Honestly, when you have a disgusting attitude and are not willing to receive help from those around because you have to much pride. You have gone to far I use to feel so scared to open up and reach for help and of course not to everyone can you do that.
As scary as it felt to look for help I was so amazed at all the support and love that people were willing to invest hours and hours on me. It’s the best thing! Although everything has died I still believe in him and I know one day he’ll be the man he needs to be. It shouldn’t have to be this hard and honestly I think sometimes we make life more complicated then it needs to be. God is amazing on Malta (meaning island). You are not alone although you feel alone and even if you loose and have to let go of someone God will redeem those years that have been stolen from you.
I don’t quite understand this but this is the advice that has been given to me. “Let go of those who cause you pain”, “When God brings a gift he doesn’t bring pain”, “God will change someone maybe only when you let go”. I don’t want to let go of Wolfie but I think he already gave up on him and us. He told me he doesn’t deserve me but, didn’t God loved me still ? I didn’t deserve but it is a choice. Are you willing to receive what God gave you if not you’ll miss it.
Dear, R… I know you messed up. You can’t see beyond today. You lay awake on your bed tossing and turning. Never looking for help and rejecting and hurting those you love. We know who you are and you can’t fool us. We always had our arms wide open for you. Your eyes are black and we don’t recognize you anymore. You don’t care and you know it. That’s not nice and we don’t want nothing in exchange for the way you have treated us. We won’t fight your type of fight. We choose to love you over evil but, today you have your way. All this mess and games was so unnecessary we told you and warned you. Sorry wolf but pride is not beautiful to wear. All I ever wanted to do was help. If I stay longer you’ll mistreat me. I would be here always as I promised but you don’t change. You can’t accept I still love and care for you. Maybe your caught up in your own game. Now, you have lost a friend. Love: Sarai M