Wolfie

It’s been awhile that I haven’t wrote but, as this year is coming to an end I’m very thankful for all the support I have had including family, friends, classmates and one very special professor. You are never alone and even though you may feel like that month after month you just aren’t if you belong to God. This semester has been a little crazy for me, let’s just say I almost didn’t perform for the end of the semester Latin jazz ensemble. Will not mention that story in this article maybe a different time. Every day we have decisions to make and some will make you bleed on the inside of you.

Some consequences are your fault and others are not. Have you ever got so tired of a friend who you thought was a “friend” and intentionally knew they where harming you but, wouldn’t change ? To be patiently and find yourself investing time only to know that the person doesn’t even care about but, because they have so much pride they won’t tell you in your face but, you know every action and word that comes from their mouth is full of lies. It hurt’s so much to desire honesty and not get that in return. Wanting to help and to fix the problem doing everything and everything in your will to make a statement. There is nothing worse then giving your case and you know you are right and the response you get from the other person is  “I know”,”I know huh”, “I can but, I won’t”.

It not only get’s you upset because you know you deserve genuine answers but, some people are so evil and comfortable playing the game that they could care less how you feel. I won’t mention any names but this person for the sake of the article I’ll call him ” Wolfie”. Wolfie is someone I still care about but, someone who does not want to change and isn’t willing to change. He is not innocent and I believe is so good at his game that he won’t give me an answer. He wasn’t like this when I met him and now I believe he has shown his true colors. Many get scared of him and judge him for what he has done to me and my family.

I believe truly on the inside he is hurt wants to run and escape reality and I bet he wish he could start all over. He deals with guilt, shame, condemnation, frustration he probably goes throughout his days saying, “wish I could have, I should be here but, I’m not”, ” I messed up now I’ll run”. Wolfie has had many accomplishments in his life I find him hard working all the time but, he doesn’t give himself credit. Life sucks when you thought you were going to be married by 24 and have two kids already and your not making enough money. Wolfie keeps forgetting the world doesn’t revolve around him. When the one person who promised you is not here it hurts.

Sometimes I wish he could see that he isn’t that far from God’s grace, love and forgiveness. You just can’t give what you don’t have. I don’t know who his friendships are or how busy he is but one thing I learned is that. Never get tired of telling the person you love them and that you are there for them and are praying for them. Honestly, when you have a disgusting attitude and are not willing to receive help from those around because you have to much pride. You have gone to far I use to feel so scared to open up and reach for help and of course not to everyone can you do that.

As scary as it felt to look for help I was so amazed at all the support and love that people were willing to invest hours and hours on me. It’s the best thing! Although everything has died I still believe in him and I know one day he’ll be the man he needs to be. It shouldn’t have to be this hard and honestly I think sometimes we make life more complicated then it needs to be. God is amazing on Malta (meaning island). You are not alone although you feel alone and even if you loose and have to let go of someone God will redeem those years that have been stolen from you.

I don’t quite understand this but this is the advice that has been given to me. “Let go of those who cause you pain”, “When God brings a gift he doesn’t bring pain”, “God will change someone maybe only when you let go”. I don’t want to let go of Wolfie but I think he already gave up on him and us. He told me he doesn’t deserve me but, didn’t God loved me still ? I didn’t deserve but it is a choice. Are you willing to receive what God gave you if not you’ll miss it.

Dear, R… I know you messed up. You can’t see beyond today. You lay awake on your bed tossing and turning. Never looking for help and rejecting and hurting those you love. We know who you are and you can’t fool us. We always had our arms wide open for you. Your eyes are black and we don’t recognize you anymore. You don’t care and you know it. That’s not nice and we don’t want nothing in exchange for the way you have treated us. We won’t fight your type of fight. We choose to love you over evil but, today you have your way. All this mess and games was so unnecessary we told you and warned you. Sorry wolf but pride is not beautiful to wear. All I ever wanted to do was help. If I stay longer you’ll mistreat me. I would be here always as I promised but you don’t change. You can’t accept I still love and care for you. Maybe your caught up in your own game. Now, you have lost a friend. Love: Sarai M

 

wolfiiiieeeee

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“Do not search now for answers, which cannot be given to you”

I found this passage very interesting from the book ” Letter’s to a young Poet”.

“You are so young, all beginning is so far in front of you, and I should like to  beg you earnestly to have patience with all unsolved problems in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms, or books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not search now for the answers, which cannot be given to you, because you could not live them. That is the point, to live everything. Now you must live your problems. And perhaps gradually, without noticing it, you will live your way into the answer some distant day.”

When I read this passage I don’t know if I could love the questions I have as they reveal themselves to be locked rooms. When your out of an uncomfortable situation you laugh about it and you see it’s purpose. Being in the middle is so hard even if you pray, and you have loved ones around you, there is that tension of when will this end, what is coming next. You have no choice but to wait. In the passage when it say’s ” Do not search for the answers, which cannot be given to you.” I don’t really like it sounds a bit confusing, frustrating , messy, sticky making it seem like you’ll have to be stuck for awhile. During times of waiting you are strecthed to where it hurts. Your in a state of vulnerability and as much as you wish you had the remedy you don’t. You’ll go through this process and you can’t skip any steps because then you’ll have to start over.

There is nothing more frustrating then seeing someone so stubborn , so evil, so cold that knows their harming you to keep doing the same old things. I’ve come to a point where I don’t even know if this person is evil and cautious of his actions or if he is just hurting but, what is strange is he is not responding to anything. That is one of my many questions that I know I will not have an answer to now. I’m very strong but, very human and cry about it every now and then. I try not dwell on it and let it consume because I am very blessed and have a responsibility to take care and love those around me that God placed in my life. This thorn I wish could be pulled out is still making me bleed but, I rejoice on the inside of me because I know a new season, chapter of my life is coming.

If I don’t give up and I don’t give in, I’m closer to the other side. The other side where victory, triumph, righteousness, Joy, Peace is waiting for me. I will not be overcome by evil but I will overcome evil with Good. My enemies may look big but, my God is bigger. The passage say’s to live everything, I don’t know if I want to live out everything. I don’t know if I want to be hurt, fall many times and get back up. In the Bible  I don’t like reading about the conflicts and problems that these awesome people had to face. If it wasn’t for the bad times and the waiting and the struggle I don’t think their victory would be as great. Even here even now I still anticipate a greater tomorrow. The passage goes on to say now live your problems. There just isn’t an escape or an easy way out but what get’s me excited is the next part.

” And perhaps gradually, without noticing it, you will live your way into the answer some distant day.” There is something good happening even now, there is something changing even now, there’s a new season coming so I got to be the best. There’s a promotion, a new opportunity making it’s way to me so I keep pushing and pressing. For today let me wear patience as I’m dealing with unresolved problems.

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Way Maker

        Throughout the Bible we find many stories where God delivered his people from every tragedy. One miracle after another and even seeing and living through it we humans continue to struggle, forget, we get afraid and panic that God delivered us before and he can do it again. When I read the book of Exodus chapter fourteen I see the author God who controls the universe and knows the beggining and the end of when and what day the Israelites would become pharaoh slaves to when God would deliver his people. It fascinates me to read a good a good story where there is action parts oh and when it comes to the climax yes it leaves our jaws open. When I’m reading or watching a good movie sometimes I say to myself how can the protagonist of the film cry or not have waited patiently when in the next chapter something amazing was about to happen.

                  As critics of movies and books we laugh as we see the characters or actors do something they weren’t suppose to. When I’m reading God’s word alone eating Oreo cookies I cry, laugh, I’m silent, I smile but, I’ve always seem to argue and say why did Moses say he couldn’t speak or why did the Israelites get scared when pharaoh was in pursue of them. As the author , the reader you have an advantage point you already know that God will deliever his people. Why is it so different about our lives as God is writing our story  we get scared , we panic, we run away as we come back. I mean isn’t God the creator of the earth hasn’t he already won. Don’t we win in the end with all of God’s people? The answer is yes but we forget.

                   As I love reading so much something I like doing is I want to make sure at the end of the book I can tell you what I learn and I’ll take notes, circle words look for the meaning. It has helped me out so much I recommend it and in the same way when God rescue’s you, as you learn, take notes , highlight remember what God has done become an active listner the Bible says in James 2:14 ” What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deed?” In the same become who God made you to be. As the Israelites were getting ready to cross the sea God had Harden pharoh heart and they were about to pursue the Israelites. It says this twice repeatdly it was going to happen God ordained it.

                   The Bible says as the bad guys were in pursuit of the Israelites they had thought pharaoh would have let them gone easily and because there was no threats yet. The Israelites were marching boldly but as they looked up and saw the Egyptians they were terrified and they did what we all do when things change. They were terrified and cried out loud to the Lord, I do this all the time I will march boldly as soon as everything is sunny at seventy-five but when God does adjustment and I don’t see that their is detour I will cry and you can bet anxiety will take over me , I won’t get sleep at night and the voices in my head keep getting louder. The Israelites were mad at Moses and they told him wouldn’t it have been better if we were back at Egypt where we were slaves, you can hear them saying Moses we were safer as a slave in Egypt and now you are bringing us out hear to die. Moses must have had it hard he was about to lead a group out of Egypt to know that they were just negative grumbling and complaining would become a major problem for the Israelites.

                       When we are blind to sin, when we have gotten comfortable not going to church , or spreading the gospel or doing well enough in school. The enemy has already convinced you that you have lived to your fullest potential that you won’t mind being in the same cycle of sin, you have gone cold and despair has taken over you. God want’s to take Egypt out of you he wants to deliver you over and over again. He want’s to do it again! Moses said, ” Do not be afraid stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.”

                How do we stand firm ? The words that stood out to me were Stand firm. We live in a world of distractions it’s never the same there is always change but, our God is the same and we forget that. We are to stand firm in church, to stand firm in that our God is faithful and if he did it before, he will do it again , we are to stand firm in God not in people. Fix your focus , fix your mindset remind yourself. That the Lord will fight for you, you only have to stand still. This will only work if you get closer to him. If you feel you are falling into your same old habits don’t scream or panic remind yourself who is your source. I believe the Lord tells us what he told the Israelites and Moses and everyone who seems to get uncomfortable when are plans and dreams fall apart. ” Then the Lord said to Moses,” Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Isralites to move on.”

              A prayer life is so important but sometime in our life we need to have actions. We need to be warriors, we need to speak, we need to take off our masks, we need to forgive, we need to not be ashamed of what God is doing in our life. Sometimes we know what we need to do. Don’t wait you have been equipped with everything you need to do for today’s assignment. I cry because I’m scared and I know in my life before God knew what day I would be born he saw all my failures and every time I would triumph in Jesus name. Our emotions our real, and so is my problem and sometimes I think I may have a grumbling and complaining attitude and forget to stand firm and to not be afraid. At some point I know I will and I don’t know when but as I’m striving to be the best version of myself and as I continue to write blogs and share my stories I have got to learn from every struggle to move on , and time to get going. He will always be you’re way maker!

red seasaaaa                     I see no way but, he says there is a way. He is my way maker – Sarai

 

Oh these voices

Time to time these voices in my head are so loud that I can’t easily shut them down. This morning I just had conversation with my mom as she calls me to tell me not to worry that I was better off on my own without my boyfriend . I simply want a good morning call is that too much to ask for. If I’m honest I feel like when we see each other on the weekend everything is back to normal but when Monday comes around I promise you I feel like some ghost. Sorry mom but, I don’t understand him.  When this happens it’s so easy for me to go back to listening to oh, he is just doing that to make you mad.

Or honestly he calls you late at night because you are the last thing on his list. It can be quiet frustrating to make these dialougues long in my head and keep adding to them.  I introduce you to one of my problems when everything doesn’t go the way I plan it. Which can lead to turning all night waking up to racon eyes and going throughout your day feeling a little overwhelmed. There is so many things I’m trying to figure out and putting due dates for many of my plans to come to past. But, in reality I’m not in control of my life God is but, I can choose what to do when these thoughts can’t seem to go away.

I ask God to help me put things in perspective and this means I don’t win towards the end of the day and I avoid the little and not argue to have harmony. Then at least I can get a gold sticker on my well behaved chart from Jesus. Is it easy umm no. Do I really want to say something umm yes but, I already know arguing about something small ain’t worth it. But, what if he doesn’t get me, what if she doesn’t understand me, what if they are just ignoring me. Well it’s not nice but it’s not worth making those thoughts consume you. I was listening to a preaching the other day by pastor Steven Furtick and he use the word chain to describe the following. C represents a choice, H represents a habit, A represents automatic, I represents identity, N represents nature. This may have been good preaching but it’s hard to follow.

Having do many flaws I need to fix about myself can make me feel so hopeless that my inner voice begins to taunt me. Something I’ve been doing lately and putting into practice is that I was so negative I began to tell my boyfriend everything that bothered me to only realize now that some of the stuff we argued about in the past was not even important. If today it mean I loose and I don’t get a morning call to leaving me the option to get mad because I told him last night it’s really important to him ignoring it. Letting it slip away to not argue I rather have a nice conversation and let God deal with that. I’m sorry men but laddies do like to hear your voice in the morning.

If I’m not careful I can get angry and allowing bitterness to grow on the inside to me hating my mornings everyday. I know that’s not what God wants of me so I have to make the choice weather he calls me or not I choice to sing in the morning, talk to God, enjoy those who God allows me to talk to in the morning. As it becomes a habit I will have learned in the long run that what I do today determines my tomorrow so I make it a habbit to be settle even if I want to fight. It becomes automatic that no longer what bothered me has a grip of me.   Therefore my identity is not depending on a phone call but, not allowing my ground to be shaken. Now my everyday nature is what I did yesterday.

Just like I gave that example of what bothers me and using the word chain to describe what can happen. You are not in control of your circumstance but, you can choose how to act and respond in the way a prince or a princess should act. The chatterbox is real but so is what we let in our head , what we listen too, who we hang around, who influences. Choice wisely and if having a pimple on your forehead, your car breaking down and making you late to school or the fact your boyfriend doesn’t call you in the morning makes these voices appear louder. Whatever the case may be make it a CHOICE to not get mad and tell them what they ought to hear. Make it a HABBIT to have harmony even if it means you losing. Let it become your IDENTITY who you are is Beautiful , handsome child of the king and we let God get deal with it, so we continually lay it down. It’s now our NATURE to do what’s right so we fight these voices in our head and we quiet them as we focus on what God says about us and we focus on what really matters.

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Morning Calls

When you quiet my heart as I spend time with you as you speak truths and bring to light what I have hidden in me. The things I battle with the addictions that haunt me at night. As I feel ashamed and spend my days planning  for tomorrow I’m reminded and amazed and can only hear when I sit down and listened. There is one thing no one can take away from me and that’s you. There is a struggle for me wanting what I want. There is struggle with me getting even, getting the end of stick. You continue to stop me, you calm my anger as I read your word my mind transitions from thinking about this world to thinking of you.

I want to want you. Your grace and loving kindness hits me like a wind , so I lift my head as voices leave this home your voice draws near. Hearing you a lot better now, when I embrace what you say about me your touch is like a soft blanket that makes me feel safe. I’d want you and your voice to hear every morning. Maybe mornings are never suppose to be taken by someone else. I’ll get use to waking up and remind myself I belong to you. I know what you want is to hear my voice and you know what I want is to hear his.

As I come undone as I feel the tuck in my chest won’t you remind me you love hearing me. By the way it’s times like this when I feel and I’m aware to turn back to you. How you love me I’ll never know I hope as days go by if I get nothing done I can at least get to know you more and love you a little  more Jesus. Pull me in as I  learn to adapt and automatically put you first. I slowly raise my smile and know my voice you want to hear all the time.

 

Don’t every feel bad if the person you love is not your morning calls. Remember there is someone who longs to wake you up and say Good Morning – Saraiphone call

He too wrestled

            As I’ve been healing in this season of rejection and enjoying my last weeks of summer vacation. What I like doing besides singing, playing the guitar and writing songs is reading. I am a professsional Amazon online buyer although I should stop calling everything an emergency purchase if you know what I mean. So I was purchasing some of my Germany gear and this book named ” Uninvited Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely” by Lisa Terkeurst caught my attention. It has been a blessing to my life and I recommend it, I’m planning on reading it again. There is so many chapters that I’ve fell in love with and so I decided to write a blog on chapter 15 “I Want to Run Away.”

             Lysa Terkeurst starts of her chapter of the sticky feeling of being stuck and as much as you want to feel better you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. She talks about her high school crush/ best friend and how every time she would hear him talk about his current girlfriends. She says, ” Hearing him say things about other girls I dreamed of him saying about me made every one of my insecurites feel like an exposed, raw nerve.” As she confronted her crush she was smiling on the outside while dying on the inside. It didn’t turn out to well and he didn’t chase after her. Adding, ” Love felt like  thing reserved for other people but always sligihty out of reach for me.” I was in a similar situation  except this wasn’t my crush but, my boyfriend. I don’t know what it is with guys that they can talk about their past and talk about how amazing that girl is and leaving you feeling like a piece of crumb it hurts.

Agreeing with Lysa I get in the habit where I will replay the scene of rejection over and over in my mind and honestly it does not help me. If there is anything I have learned and seen in this process is that time does help memories fade away, it’s like a scar you only wear. As I’ve felt rejection in many ways it seems that through the different years I’ve been hurt it seems to multiply and becomes more damaging. In her book she says we don’t quite understand that there is good that comes from pressing through the pain. If you are like me or Lysa this means it is a clear sign for a run away but, ignoring the problem won’t solve it. What I found so powerful and true is just like I’m tempted to run away from my problems so was Jesus. We have to remember just moments before Jesus was about to get crucified he too was wrestling with his thoughts feeling overwhelmed  to the point of praying a little longer , falling to the ground sweating tears of blood, it was a struggle one of his closest friends was about to betray him. It’s awesome to know that Jesus knew what was crushing, he knew he had to be prepare for Judas was right at the door ready to damage.

I encourage you to read the Bible more, study it there is so many neat fact’s about it one that I learned in this chapter was on the Garden of Gethsemane it is known as an escape route from the city of mount olives the route that David took when running from his son Absolom when he was going to do harm. There is always a wide road many take and the narrow road that few will take. Jesus is the perfect example he didn’t run away from being crucified he carried it and so must we. Jesus was betrayed, abandoned, felt lonely and I was betrayed, abandoned  and I felt lonely as well. The facts are there but they don’t define your life. He faced pain in the Garden those moments where he struggled to surrender to God but, what he knew that because of it he would experience a resurrection and a power.

We find the olive tree in the Garden of Gethsemane there are three elements that make for a great olive. There is crushing times that are necessary that it has to endure it needs the dry and wet to grow because olives are naturally bitter it takes times therefore it has to go through washing, breaking, soaking, salting, waiting. Lastly, the way to preserve it is to crush the oil to get’s what most valuable. When I learned that olives are naturally bitter so our the hearts of humans , it is a long processed to be cured. It reminded me of my boyfriend we were hurt. I had said to him a long time ago something without thinking and it caused him wound the more I thought of it only time would heal. At a time because of miscommunication he was at his mountain peak while I was in the valley I was hurt because of some things he said and did. I remember he would always tell me Sarai you just need to let go, but it wasn’t that simple. He didn’t understand the process of the olives.

We both at different times were bitter and we had to go through the process for it to be cured. Just like an olive is bitter at first I believe as an olive can’t skip steps to taste so can’t humans. We need to undergo the process to understand. We need to be broken and crushed to love better to appreciate , respect one another. It is a long process but behind the tears their is a rainbow, Behind the nights of not sleeping and crying and moments of prayer it’s the waiting. When crushed , pressed to only get the most valuable.  If olive tree’s need it and Jesus did so do we but it doesn’t define us. “8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed , but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9Garden

You Pursue me

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I’ve always wanted a take me by the hand picture but there is a bigger picture then whose hand I’m holding. It’s the one who pursue’s my heart the one who calls the sunset back to where it belongs. – Sarai

                  We have heard the words pursue a job, a school, him or her that thing that catches your eye. I’ve also heard it said if you don’t chase your dreams someone else will take it. As I was going through my notes on preachings, my journal where I keep my thoughts and my photo album on my phone and just sitting here in my room looking out the window. I found something in the quiet that I constantly go back and forth and trying to figure out where this comes from. I am currently in a relationship and throughout the course of these two years we have been on and off, in our good and bad days. As a girl I have always pictured a young man swiping me off from my feet and pictured us dancing in the rain and living a happily ever after .

       Leaving out the oh yeah, in real life you won’t be dating the guy you’ve loved since you were thirteen to growing up with insecurities of how you look and comparing your self to the most beautiful women in the world. Yeah it can be quite frightening for any girl as she grows up. If I’m honest I knew something was wrong with Disney movies seeing all the wonderful princesses living a happily ever after life. It’s not reality ,and I don’t believe it one thing that that’s how my love story is suppose to be. Look girls, Guy’s come in all different shape and sizes, they are tall short, some take showers and some don’t. No! you won’t be marrying a Brad Pitt or an Angelia Jolie men. As you get to know your future someone you’ll realize that there are more important things then looks.

                You will make mistakes and some dumb ones that you wish you would go back and change. You will have opportunities that slip you by, there will be days where you want to give up on love and isolate yourself from everyone but, don’t be afraid we all have our story to share . There is nothing wrong with your love life if it does not macth to a Princess Disney film, God never intended on building his kingdom here but in heaven. I am a Christian girl I was raised in church and I have been warned by Dad and my mom and my evil step sister’s Just kidding. I love them both especially the oldest one. Hahah. That there will be Men Who will say they really love you and that they will bring the moon down from the sky just for you but, it’s not true. There are men with bad intentions who will hurt and never get to know who you are and there will be men who will respect you, love your family and be a good guy to bring back home. I do believe there is good out there Ladies.

               We live in an age where we are being notified with twenty-four hour newsfeed of other peoples life while what we really have is twenty-four hour ignorance. Being attacked from all different direction social media, text messages, Caso Cerrado ( a tv show reality ) of the worse scenarios . No wonder we feel all stressed, letting our minds fill us with stuff we were never meant to dwell on. The word of God constantly shares what can happen if we dwell and keep our focus on him. In the book of John chapter fifteen verse five says,” I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” If I’m honest when I’m not being productive with my time I get so distracted I start comparing my love story to others and then I come up with horrible scenarios in my head that aren’t even real.

               Some things that go around through my head about my realationship is does he love me or not ? Am I beautiful to him ? Is he thinking of me ? Why hasn’t he called me? or why doesn’t he brag about me on social media like his brother does the list can go on and on. We can look at all these thoughts I’ve came up with and we can open a discussion in different routes. As you grow up you want to learn what battles you take on and which ones don’t matter. I can focus on the things I like about him or all the ones I hate him for. Don’t fight over the little, I’ve found that people will respond to words of encouragement more than words of criticism. I am twenty- three and I’m still learning and I fall into these traps every now and then and you want to know what helps me when I’m tempted to compare my love story to Walt Disney fairytales.

               Is the person who created the word Love the one who means Love the one who knows every page of my life. That even when a handsome human being doesn’t meet all my expectation he does. His name Is Jesus. I don’t know everything but, can I share this between you and me. When position does not measure up and satisfy this heart and leaves me feeling empty it makes room for Jesus and keeps taking out everything that does not belong there. As I’m still trying to grab a grasp of how big and how wide and how deep and how long is the love he has for me. I become intimate with him as he constantly is in pursue of me, I’ve almost started to accept as I make the mistake to turn left and right and know a prince with freckles can’t feel me up. It’s as if my heart has an emptiness and a reservation waiting for one thing.

             As if God ordained my love story my heart to be fully sealed fully known to whoever my future husband is that… That the hole I have in me was made only for the one who pursued me even when I didn’t. That it may be so deep that it may be evident that when people say what do you think about love. I may always respond to and say you mean the one who pursues me the one who directs his love by day and at night his song is with me. Oh that love , because you can’t be talking about my job, my school , my boyfriend, my current success right? Because that’s not what I defined as love but as gifts. Yes, that love is perfect and one pursuing after. That’s what comes to mind when you say, how’s love life? Jesus I love the way you Pursue me…